surveilliance photograph (copyright getty images)
monty buckles, described in rare eyewitness accounts as "more filmmaker than man", "an unlovable drunken shut-in", "the personification of everything i dislike" was born “dartan sycamore” in rural california. monty, who is all man, was in fact, born a woman. her upbringing was exceedingly rural, according to dartan “i didn’t even wear no pants until i was twenty three,” and amenities such as vaccinations, television, not being subjected to constant attacks at the hands of wild animals, shelter, conventional grooming, running water, and “book learnings” were unavailable. young dartan slept naked under the stars and foraged for slugs and the occasional stray child for sustenance. her only respite from a life of extreme hardship was the bible. dartan obtained a bible after killing and eating a bible salesmen who had the vast misfortune of his car breaking down within dartan’s “eatings” territory. after eating the bible salesmen, dartan took one of the salesmen’s children, intending to eat them later. at this time dartan was unable to read, write, or speak. the child taught dartan the rudiments of human communication, as well the fundamentals of reading. this was not enough to sate dartan’s bloodlust, and she ended up killing the child and using her bones to make a “very pretty necklace” she threw away ten minutes later. dartan took a bible from the salesmen’s car and read the entire thing, even the big complicated words. dartan took the entire book literally, leading to a deep confusion and inability to make a decision that regrettably, lasts to this day. goat herder centrum mcnellie moved into the area and started projecting films on the side of a large rock in exchange for sexual favors from passerby. dartan wandered into the area, and although she was initially very frightened by the flickering images, believing they were “the work of dagblasted satan, manufactured by charlatans to remove my mortal soul, by gum”, and would “steal my soul, like a shitblast, goddamnit” she eventually became transfixed and decided to become a filmmaker. she cleaned up her act and got a job and penningsgate fowlingsworth’s geese farm, and she exploited her position of trust by beating fowlingsworth to death with a full can of paint. she then took all his money and spent it on booze. to avoid the authorties she stowed away on a tramp steamer to europe. wisely surmising that repetedly being fucked by uncaring strangers is analogous to the filmmaking process, dartan set up shop as a prostitute in london. dartan was previously able to shuck two oysters simoltaneously in her mouth, so you can imagine how popular she was. among her thousands of clients were such luminaries as, jack the ripper, winston churchill, joan of arc, rasputin, sir issac newton, mother theresa (a “mean-assed bull dyke,” according to dartan), warren oates, the man in the iron mask, florence nightengale, wilko johnson, the birdman of alcatraz, adam worth, mark e. smith, ghandi, bill cosby, kaspar hauser, issac hayes, and ty cobb. dartan has always wanted to engage in forciable sodomy with an unwilling partner, so she decided to become one of first recipients of a sex change operation. inspired by the courage demonstrated by client james frey, dartan performed the complicated operation herself, sans any anesthetic. in her own words, “it hurt like shit.” dartan's fortunes went sideways while doing her weekly shopping at a local adult bookstore when she saw “some goofy-assed nitwit” with the improbable and “candy-assed” name of monty buckles, who was wandering around the store "like an asshole." dartan decided to take action. after monty's credit card was denied and a clerk told him to "get the hell out of my store, you fucking deadbeat," monty wandered home in tears. dartan followed monty home and knocked on the door. when monty opened it, she beat him with a car antenna, to the point where she removed all the skin from his body. after watching him bleed on the floor in pain so great that you can't begin to imagine it, she crushed his head by wedging it under the refigerator. according to dartan "this monty buckles prick was a real sissy." dartan assumed the deceased's identity. "monty" engages in "filmmaking" to make money to support his "drug habit." in "his" spare time, monty enjoys staring longingly at dog owners, writing things that he never shows to anyone due to a crippling lack of self confidence, feeling sorry for himself, and inadvertently offending people. monty will do anything for twenty bucks and a pack of smokes. ANYTHING.